Stuff about Minneapolis

You Might Be A Twin Cities Redneck If...

You make an inappropriate comment to someone everytime you get gas at the Pump ‘n’ Munch in Robbinsdale.

You and your girlfriends always argue about whether to go to Moose Country, Povlitski’s, or BeBops for ladies night.

You ride your bike on Central Avenue NE while balancing a 24 pack of Ice House on the handlebars.

You ride your bike on Central Avenue NE while balancing a 24 pack of Ice House on the handlebars, and not because biking is healthy or that it’s good for the environment, but you just got your third DWI in two years.

You still wear that white “1987 Minnesota Twins World Series Champions” sweatshirt your aunt got you in high school.

You still wear that white “1987 Minnesota Twins World Series Champions” sweatshirt your aunt got you in high school to social events that take you outside your house.

You willingly go into Tony Jaro’s River Garden and order a Greenie.

You and your buddies get into heated debates about whether BJ’s or the 22nd Station is the better strip club.

You and your buddies get into heated debates about whether BJ’s or the 22nd Station is the better strip club, but cooler heads always prevail when someone says “Fellas, it’s the King of Diamonds, next question.”

While affixing some of those fake bullet stickers to your driver’s side door, and a Dale Earnhardt #8 decal on the back windshield, you remember you never took your Coon Rapids High School letterman’s jacket out of your trunk, even though you graduated from there three years ago. You realized this while you were on your way to Coon Rapids High School to pick up your girlfriend, who still goes to school there.

You take a taxi to Columbia Heights Liquor on University Avenue and run inside with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth while your toddler waits in the backseat of the taxi. (Saw that once with my own eyes)

You still like to tell the oldest racist joke in the Twin Cities…”Did you know that the Broadway Bridge is the longest bridge in the world?…Yeah, it connects Poland to Africa.”
(For those that are unaware, the Broadway Bridge connects north Minneapolis and it’s African-American population with northeast Minneapolis and it’s mainly Polish population)

You are way too serious about being on multiple “upper division” softball teams. And you like to remind people when you drink that you hit .575 at that tournament in Ham Lake a couple years ago, and your team would have won the whole thing, but the ****ing umpire had broken up with your third baseman’s sister earlier that year, so you guys got all the bad calls.

In your spare time you search antique stores for old Twin Cities postcards and newspapers to put on your blog like this guy.
Oh sweet Jesus, don’t be that guy.