Local Man Knows He Moved To Minneapolis For Something, But Can’t Remember What

MINNEAPOLIS—After packing up his apartment and moving across the country to Minneapolis this weekend, area man Matthew Goddard told reporters that though he has a vague idea of why he relocated from Boston, he can’t quite remember exactly why he now lives in the City of Lakes. “I think I came here for a new job, or was it a girlfriend? I gotta say, I’m completely blanking on why I currently live here,” the visibly confused 31-year-old told reporters, adding that while he can’t recall having family in the metro-Minneapolis area or needing a change of pace, it’s quite possible he was accepted to grad school there, but he admitted that none of those things were ringing a bell. “Don’t get me wrong, Minneapolis is a fine city. And now that I’m here, I can definitely imagine staying for whatever it is I moved here for. Was it some sort of health reason? No, I’m fine. At least I think I’m fine.” Goddard later remembered he moved to Minneapolis because he really likes Prince.

A classic Onion story about the Gustafson family of Edina…

EDINA, MN–Jim Gustafson, a 33-year-old Edina sales manager, is winning widespread acclaim for helping to raise his own children.

"He’s truly a remarkable father," said next-door neighbor Sandra Nickles, watching Gustafson head off in the family minivan Monday to pick up his two children, Dylan, 4, and Anne Marie, 5, from daycare. "You just don’t see too many fathers participating in family activities like that."

In addition to occasionally doing the laundry, Gustafson has earned praise for his willingness to run errands with his wife, walk the dog, and make dinner for the family at least once a month. He even changed Anne Marie’s diapers twice when she was a baby.

"Jim is a wonderful husband and father," wife Hannah Gustafson, 31, said. "Sometimes, if I put in a long day at work and come home late, he’ll have the dinner table set for me. That means all I have to do is make dinner, clear off the dishes when the meal’s done, and put them in the dishwasher."

"He just does a lot of things you don’t expect a dad to do," Hannah continued. "Like, when it’s time for my weekly housecleaning, he’ll happily keep an eye on the kids while I’m vacuuming if I ask. I’m a lucky woman."

Also earning Gustafson plaudits is his willingness to spend quality time with his children.

"On Saturdays, he’ll often spend the entire day at home with the kids, sitting on the couch watching TV with them," Hannah said. "Usually, it’s ESPN or whatever sports is on. But if he wants to take a nap, he has no problem letting the kids change the channel to Nickelodeon for a while."

Among the many people Gustafson has impressed is Linda Huskey–though not at first.

"I remember the first time Jim came by to pick up Dylan and Anne Marie," said Huskey, owner of Small Fry Daycare. "I thought he was some sort of child abductor. But after checking his ID and calling Hannah at her office for confirmation, we allowed the kids to leave in his care.”

"I didn’t mean to be paranoid, but this was the first time a man had ever been in the facility," Huskey said. "Even the single dads usually just make whoever they’re dating pick up the kids. But now we recognize Jim immediately when he comes in every other month or so. It’s wonderful to see a father so somewhat involved in his children’s lives."

MINNEAPOLIS—Shocked by the sheer volume of depressing videos submitted to their Tell Us Your Totino’s Tale campaign, employees at the pizza-roll manufacturer announced Tuesday that they are rethinking their recent user-generated marketing initiative. “In retrospect, perhaps it would have been better for us to have simply gone ahead and told the Totino’s story ourselves like we always have,” marketing manager Joelle McCaffrey said Friday as she motioned toward a laptop displaying the dozens of sad, mildly disturbing videos she’s been forced to watch over the past two weeks. “In each of the clips I’ve seen so far, everyone was greasy or sweaty. Seven of them mentioned they love pepperoni but didn’t have a lot else to say, and at least four said our pizza rolls are the only thing they look forward to each day. One person forgot to turn the camera off and there was just this long shot of her struggling to get out of her chair and walk 10 feet to the door.” Admitting the project was a failure, McCaffrey said that Totino’s would soon be rolling out a replacement campaign featuring an Italian-accented animated pizza roll.